Look at my closet
see the trinkets?
my rings, the bling
and my appetite
for men who trawl
the intersections at 4
or when the moon
wets the skin
between my thighs
Look at my husband
emulated by the soldier
worshipped by the throng
by the God-man
who weeps for his soul
And look at me
Plain Jane with an apron
and a miscarriage
on the way
–words by Teegee Villanueva
“I’ve crossed some kind of invisible line. I feel as if I’ve come to a place I never thought I’d have to come to. And I don’t know how I got here. It’s a strange place. It’s a place where a little harmless dreaming and then some sleepy, early-morning talk has led me into considerations of death and annihilation.”
― Raymond Carver, Where I’m Calling From: New and Selected Stories
Follow me on Instagram: @teegeev
“Give Me Shelter”. Carriedo, Manila. May 18, 2016. Photography by Teegee Villanueva
I was overcome with a deep and profound sadness this afternoon. I felt dead; I came undone and it obviously affected my output. I was editing images when the thoughts came on, and I was ruminating non-stop. I went silent for two hours. I ignored everyone who tried to speak to me. And after an hour or two, I felt better; relieved, at the moment, from the demons who perpetually torment me.
I tell you this with absolutely certainty: this illness will kill me one day. I don’t know when…maybe tomorrow, maybe in the next two years. Who can say.
On the photo: while walking around Binondo, I ran into a man washing his clothes (and himself) at the Carriedo fountain. It was dirty and the water was polluted. He noticed me, and when he did he carried on as if I weren’t even there. It was a sad sight and I thought it was reflective of the Filipino experience–at least for those living in the margins. It’s not an easy life for most Filipinos; most people live on subsistence wages or very low salaries here, and life becomes a burden…when it shouldn’t even be.
“Give Me Happiness”. Escolta Street, Manila. May 18, 2016. Photography by Teegee Villanueva
“There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.”
–Anthony De Mello
Follow me on Instagrem: @teegeev